How do I convince my parents to accept my intercaste love marriage with my girlfriend, whose parents are divorced? My parents are from village, now settled in a metro city. They have worked hard and earned good money for themselves and me. My girl friend is from a smaller town. Her parents were love married and are divorced now. We both are dating each other from past one year and love each other very much. We both are financially well paid and are not dependent on our parents. We both are from same caste but from different sub castes. We both want to get married. So we thought of making it look like an arranged marriage. I spoke to my brother about this. He was furious and angry and said to me that he doesn’t like this and would never support me. With this initial hiccup, I later told to my mom about this. She was so tensed and angry and later agreed to see the bio data of my girlfriend. I some how convinced that I spoke to her and friend and got her bio data and sent mine to their family. Their family are okay with my profile and ready to accept.But my parents later have created a big scene about this. They have clearly said no to following reasons 1. Girl is black (She is brown. This should not matter, as they are speaking badly and are being racist.) 2. She is short. 3. Her nose is blunt. (WTF, how does this matter to me.) 4. Her mom is from higher caste married to her father from another caste. Her brother-in-law is from different subcaste. She has a very bad family lineage. 5. Her father is old and may die soon. 6. I am bringing bad name to family by being stubborn to marry her only. 7. Why should a girl from some other caste enjoy our wealth. 8. Who will look after her when she gets pregnant. She has no mother too. 9. She is a working woman and has lived many years of her life in PG. So who knows how her character is. (What bullshit is this. This is totally insane bad thoughts of my parents.) I am so pissed off with this and have clearly told mom n dad that i want to marry her only or else would never marry. My parents are acting so weird that they have started playing all kinds of games with me. First they told all of my relatives and destroyed my name in front of them. Then all of them called me and blasted that I was bringing bad name to family. Later they got my childhood friends to home and told all the story and destroyed my reputation in front of them. My parents threatened me that they wont give a pie in their property. My dad has left our house and started living in my aunt’s house and has told me that he wont return until I agree to leave thought of marrying her and marry some one else. They are asking me if I have done something wrong to her(physical relationship). Have I got trapped by their family’s pressure to marry her. My brother secretly read my messages with my girlfriend, spoke to all my good friends about this which was not at all necessary. He tries to be silent creating an impression that he is neutral, but he does all these tricks. I got to know all of this. My girlfriend wants me to convince my parents and marry her.Her parents married against their family’s will and later separated when she was young. She was a child of such marriage and has gone through hell. She doesn’t wish to go through that life again. She has told me that she will wait for my marriage. But only concern is her aged father’s deteriorating health. She has asked me to marry at any cost if her father falls very sick. What do I do guys? No matter what scene they create they are my parents. I love them so much. I need all of these 1. My parents. (They have given me life and have sacrificed everything for me). 2. My girlfriend (She loves me so much and is rejecting many good proposals coming to her for me.) Things are turning difficult as my girl friend has put a deadline for me to decide quickly. She is worried about her father and wouldn’t want to hurt him. In the meantime i spoke to all of my relatives in village on the force of my parents. Except for few of my aunt’s nobody wants to support me. Everybody is forcing me to leave her. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend. I love her a lot, and I want to marry her.

Here are more negotiation strategies (I saw a few of them already in the many responses) to convince your parents. WARNING: Lengthy post.

Tip 1: Learn from your friends and family

Let’s look at a handful of real-life situations to understand the dynamics of a typical love marriage.

1. A young lad from Bangalore wanted to marry a Japanese woman. After the initial drama, he went ahead and married her. After marriage, they are leading normal lives.

2. A girl wanted to marry out of her caste. The family disowned her and refused to attend the wedding. After she had a child, everybody is back to talking terms and all the drama before the wedding seems like a distant dream now.

3. A south Indian man joined a spiritual organization on the insistence of his parents. He met and fell in love with a north Indian woman (from another caste) working for the spiritual organization. The parents were against it initially but because the head of the religious organization gave his consent, they relented. The marriage was successful and everybody is happy now.

Each of these real-life stories has some lessons for us. The common thread among all the above stories are:

• People chose their partner based on love and perceived “compatibility”.
• They refused to back down from their decision.
• People that chose to marry outside their caste and nationality were financially independent. In other words, they were ready to walk away from the family.
• They believed in their cause and luckily, they have had a successful marriage so far.
• Their spouses tried their best to win the hearts of the families that rejected them.
• Parents that rejected the idea initially did not take extreme measures such as suicide or hire goons to set things right.
• Parents were not financially dependent on the children that wanted to defy their wishes.
• Parents eventually realized that the decision was sound and came around to accepting it.

All you have to do now is to figure out what is your situation with respect to the above points and see if the balance is in your favor. I don’t think your family is in a state of mind to accept rational arguments. Taking a calculated gamble is the best way forward. The gamble could be to get married to your love interest against your family’s wishes or break off the relationship in light of your family’s opposition. Obviously, you want to get married to the love of your life!

Tip 2: Negotiate like a child

You wouldn’t have noticed something that parents face all the time. It is children and their negotiation tactics. They throw tantrums, win over through sympathy, approach the parent that is likely to say “yes” or pretend to fall sick. Most of the times, they end up getting what they want eventually. When you start off discussing your marriage with someone you love, the immediate reaction is not all that good. Unlike a child, you are overcome by empathy and go through an incredible anguish that can potentially derail your plans. According to Adam Galinsky, people who empathize during negotiations tend to lose out!
In the book titled “How to negotiate like a child” by Bill Adler, Jr gives us practical ways to borrow the negotiation techniques that children commonly use to get what they want. Here is a simple lesson you can apply to great effect:

“All children quickly learn that there is no unified, single mind known as “The Parent.” There is Mommy and there is Daddy, and they have different personalities, weaknesses and abilities. Sometimes it’s better to ask Mommy something; sometimes it’s better to ask Daddy.”

Some of you may say, “in my house, there is only one parent that calls all the shots”. In that case, Bill Adler suggests other useful techniques to deploy. Playing one parent against the other is a great strategy. Approach the “relatively more liberal” parent and win their approval for your love marriage and have them negotiate on your behalf. Another strategy would be to take your time and stick to your guns till you reach a point that your parents give up! Remember, all Indian parents want you to get married by a certain age that is dictated by who else in your family and friends circle get married.

Tip 3: Build trust with your parents gradually

When it comes to announcing to your parents about your intentions to marry someone you love, avoid surprises. Surprises in these matters don’t end well and only ends up reinforcing the hardline stance that your parents are inclined to take. From the perspective of your parents, you have broken their trust and ruined their dreams of getting you married to a person that they believe is suitable. But the question of building trust is not just between you and your parents. A strategy that might work in your favor is to introduce your love interest casually as a friend (if your family is not too conservative in these matters). This will give you and your love interest to build rapport and gain trust. So why is trust important when it comes to convincing parents about your love marriage?

Dr. Robert Adler is currently a member of the Obama administration in the US. He is an expert in negotiations and has written award-winning books on this topic. He is a believer in the concept of selective information-sharing. This is about sharing pieces of information that will help you and cannot be used against you. Introducing your soulmate as a friend at first is a similar strategy! Of course, you need to make sure your partner put her or his best foot forward and create a great first impression.

According to the author of Give and Take, Adam Grant:

In an experiment, Stanford and Kellogg students negotiated over email. When they only exchanged their names and email addresses, they reached deals less than 40% of the time. When they shared information that was irrelevant to the negotiation, schmoozing about their hobbies or hometowns, 59% reached an agreement. When you open up about something personal, you send a signal that you’re trustworthy, and your counterparts will be motivated to reciprocate.

 

Tip 4: Highlight the potential of your soulmate

You may have found the most accomplished partner that you could ever imagine. You may believe that the person you fell in love with so much more accomplished by anyone that your parents might have lined up for arranged marriage. But just highlighting that fact that you have caught a “big fish” may not work well. In fact, your parents may turn around and tell your lover is way out of your league and that the marriage will never be successful.

The findings from a research paper titled “Preference of Potential“, (published by experts from Harvard and Stanford University) explains this concept through field studies that included athletes, comedians, students, chefs, university administrators. According to this study:

“When people seek to impress others, they often do so by highlighting individual achievements. Despite the intuitive appeal of this strategy, we demonstrate that people often prefer potential rather than achievement when evaluating others. Indeed, compared with references to achievement (e.g., “this person has won an award for his work”), references to potential (e.g., “this person could win an award for his work”) appear to stimulate greater interest and processing, which can translate into more favorable reactions.”

But, please remember that this study was focused on assessing talent as a student or restaurant chef. Do not apply this concept blindly. Use it as yet another tool in your attempt to influence your parent’s thinking.

Tip 5: Build allies and seek advice

One of the easiest strategies for convincing parents who are against love marriage is to build a strong coalition that can champion your cause and provide advice. At the least they provide much needed moral support when things get heated between you and your parents. Here is an interesting extract from an article that talks about the power of seeking advice in the business context.

In his book Give and Take, Adam Grant describes a woman who was interviewing for a
job in another state. She wanted to finish her studies in her city, but she wanted to take up the job. When she realized that the cost of weekly trips between her school and her place of employment was way too expensive, she reached out to the hiring manager to seek advice. The hiring manager put forth her situation to the management team and managed to find her a seat in the corporate jet that made frequent trips to her city!

Pranay Manocha, co-founder of Refugeemaps.orghas interesting tips to offer via Quora to a woman that asked a question about convincing her parents for an intercaste love marriage. According to Pranay:

“In order to convince your family, it is best to open a point of negotiation. Find the members of your family who would be least resistant to your marrying out of your caste, this could be your mother, your aunt or your brothers/sisters or cousins. Look for an opportunity and confide in them that you love this man. Be open and honest and request if they would be open to meeting him. Emphasize that you really like him and want to be happy with him.

Do this for members of your family, one by one. You will gain confidence in how to negotiate with your family and win support from family members who will meet your boyfriend and will undoubtedly like him. Family members who genuinely love you will definitely end up liking your boyfriend, as they want to see you happy.”

Tip 6: The best time to break the news about your love

Breaking the news about your love interest to your parents is a nerve-wracking experience for some of us. The response you get from your parent(s) about your love is dependent on several factors such as how open they are to accept such ideas, their prevailing mood, and of course, your horoscope (just kidding).

Lakshmi Balachandra of Babson College, published this HBR article titled “Should you eat while you negotiate?“. Here are a couple of important points she makes.

Across cultures, dining together is a common part of the process of reaching negotiated agreements. In Russia and Japan, important business dealings are conducted almost exclusively while dining and drinking and in the U.S., many negotiations begin with “Let’s do lunch.”

Research has shown that the consumption of glucose enhances complex brain activities, bolstering self-control and regulating prejudice and aggressive behaviors.
The key lesson from this insight is that people have a tendency to be in a better mood when their blood sugar levels are on the higher side. Perhaps, Diwali is the best time to break the news about your love affair!

Tip 7: Win-Win strategy always helps

Our parents tend to be very emotional because they love us and want us to be happy.
But culture and traditions also define how they want us to seek happiness. They are convinced that we may not have the maturity needed to take unilateral decisions on marriage and going against conventions is an affront to their traditions. When the dust settles, a majority of parents only want to see their children have a happy married life.
Your task when convincing your parents to let you move forward with a love marriage is to make them see the end objective beyond the haze of culture, traditions, and “honor”.
Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a clinical psychologist and a prolific author. In his book “

amazon.com

He Wins, She Wins: Learning the art of marital negotiations.”  He recommends several negotiation strategies for ensuring a happy married life. We can certainly borrow a couple of principles from his book.

1. Develop a win-win strategy that will make you and your parent a winner. As an example, suggest a meeting with your girlfriend or boyfriend in a casual setting so they get a first-hand opinion for the person you are in love with. In exchange, keep your dealings with your love interest open and don’t do anything behind their backs. Convince them that they should at least give you a fair chance and highlight how forthright you have been in discussing this with them.
2. Follow the policy of a joint agreement that will ensure that neither you or your parents will ever do anything without first mutually agreeing on it when it comes to marriage. This is a great strategy to maintain status quo for some time till the tempers settle down when there is a greater chance of seeing reason from both sides.